His bitter attitude, repugnant lack of hygiene, and over ripened ego will only give you indigestion.

… on second thought, perhaps you should just put him out of his misery now.

Back in grade school, little Boxy never could figure out why he always lost first at hide and seek.

He’s never been out in the ocean before and I’m afraid he’ll be swept away!

This default setting is stripping the skin off my foot.

…or perhaps that was the foot off my leg.

I’ve been experiencing memory problems lately due to sudden discharges of fictional energy.

He was about 5′4″, grey hair, and a wrinkled face which… um… I may have thought out loud reminded me of a pug…

After that, all I remember is a mean left hook.

If you don’t give me the details, I’m going to spend all day jumping at every little thing. Kinda like normal.

Please forgive me! Truly, I did not intend to tread on a being of such power and grace!

Though to be honest, one less incessantly whining beer belly in the house will not be entirely missed.

Honest mom, I just thought you might like a foot-warmer for your birthday.